Fight (v.) - to contend with or against in any manner

God gave me control of my own life, not the lives of others. There is a constant need to change minds in order make everyone see what we see. I can't make him see what I see. No matter how hard I try, there is something in him that makes it impossible to show him any form of reason. Why do I try? What is so important about this one person? Why am I trying to hold on? I think I know. For the shortest of years, he was my best friend, the one who gave me hope when I had none.
The change was sudden. Shocking. Painful. Now I have the choice. Let go and lose, or stay and try to hold on. Hold on to someone that may not even exist anymore. Someone who didn't experience any of the things I did. We were just a part of my over-active imagination. All those months were something I played out in my mind as reality went on without me. It's time. Time for me to find my place and stop holding on. There is nothing real to be found in my mind. There is nothing left for me to fight for.

Dream (n) - A series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person's mind during sleep

I feel you by my side, just you being there makes me smile. I don't know how you've managed to bring back a part of me I thought was gone. I look at you and our eyes meet, theres something between us. A secret, an energy. Two worlds collide between us, two completely different lives and backgrounds. I know nothing about you, I feel you know everything about me. Sometimes it feels like you can read my thoughts. You make me nervous, even more insecure than i ever was. You're in control here, I'm not used to that, I'm not sure where anything is going, and you won't answer me straight. You keep me guessing.
I've been floating through the weeks, time passes without anything to remember it by other than memories of you. It's business as usual, but I'm not concentrating on the work I've got. I'm thinking about what you said to me last night, about the way being around you made me feel. I don't think we have anything in common, but I trust you without any logical explanation. I'd do almost anything you asked of me, because I know you'll pay me back somehow. My mind is completely wrapped up in you, but I don't know if you're even real.

Drop (v) - Allow oneself to fall

I stand with you on the edge. You've saved me from myself and together we're running from what I've left behind. My demons. Through cities and woods, through night and day, we ran. You never let me go. You never broke a promise. They followed us and you could have left me to them. You could have let them return me to my prison, but you never let me go.

We kept going for days, months, I never thought we were getting anywhere but finally we came to the edge. A long drop with a watery landing. The sun is rising over the horizon and you hold my hand tighter. I can't do it, I can't let myself fall, it's too dangerous. I start to pull back and you turn to me, there's nothing for me to be scared of, you won't let anything happen to me. You can't say the same about staying where we are, I could still fall back into what I used to be. You surprised me, I never thought you would be doing this for me, I never believed that you of all people could care about me this much. There isn't time to think about what to choose. There isn't even a choice to be made, only one path has beauty and light, the other is dark, damp, and full of misery.

I close my eyes. There's only seconds left. I feel your hand squeeze mine, you're speaking but I can't understand the words... Fear is taking over me. You step closer to the edge and I follow. There's no looking back now.

Quiver (v) - tremble or shake with a slight rapid motion

The date is modern. Phone calls are as outdated now as house calls. I sit on my bed reading a book, trying desperately not think about how lonely I am. My computer sits next to me, ignored. A new message persuades me to wake the screen. I begin to tremble. I cannot think, speak, breathe or make my hands move to the keyboard. Why are you talking to me? What do I have left that could possibly interest you? The seconds tick by in slow motion. It's simple to answer the message. Hi. I have no other option. He begins to make polite conversation. I can only answer in single words, my body is shaking too much for me to manage anything more.

I stand and walk away from the computer, grabbing clothes from baskets scattered around the room. My legs are unstable and I feel as if I'll fall soon. Another message comes, breathing becomes even harder. I ask the question. He answers, should I not talk to you? I ask him what motive could he possibly have to talk to me? He never respected me as a human being, why even give me the time of day? He denies it, of course he respects me. Wrong. I tell him he's wrong. I explain and send the message, moments later I feel there's more to say. I write more, and then more. I spill my heart, soul, love, and hatred of him into a tiny box on a screen.

There is only one last thing to say, that's goodbye. How do I say it so he knows it's true this time? It's hard. I feel sick to my stomach. My head is spinning. It's as if I'm driving a knife through his memory. That's it. The seconds continue to tick by, it's been a matter of minutes. I've been waiting weeks for this moment. I tell him.

You're dead to me.

Done. The shaking doesn't stop, only worsens. I turn the computer off. I will give no time for response. I don't want to know what he has to say. I don't want to know anything from now on. I've given up on thinking he can actually say something worth hearing. My head begins to clear and my stomach lurches only once more. It's over, and I feel like I can actually smile again.

Escape (v) - Succeed in avoiding or eluding something unpleasant or undesirable

Today alone I've killed Robert an infinite number of times in an equally infinite number of ways. I need more than anything to find a way out of my own mind, to quiet it for an hour or too so that no one dies in any way whether it's hilarious or heart wrenching. For the record most of today's were hilarious, sorry dude. My only chances to escape from myself are through books. For some reason I find that through the pages I can live someone else's life and ignore my own for at least a few short moments. That's why I have a book with me at all times. It's much better that I have an instant way out of my own skin than cause the suffering of someone close to me, no matter how much I truly do want them to suffer. Today was miserable at best, I was angry, annoyed, in pain, and playing reruns of my favorite death scenes all of my hours awake. I think I need some more serious help, because I've already got some, but I don't think it's enough.

On yet another note I am excited about starting school and giving myself yet another thing to focus on. With school, soccer, work and the humane society every week I feel I will be busy enough to ignore my hatred for some certain people and move on, a little, with my life. In exactly one week from now, I can guarantee, I will be sick of the lifestyle I've chosen and back to my people hating self. Good news? There's always a skip out on the real world and a couple days in the happiest place on earth, which so happens to be the only place I can be truly happy these days. For that I'm sorry.

Honest (adj) - Free of deceit and untruthfulness

There was never a day I went without feeling loved because of him. He called every morning to wake me for school and every night to wish me sweet dreams. Never once did he neglect to tell me where he was going and who with, and never once did I have to suffer the wrath of his parents for the things he did when I wasn't around. I was always the only girl he saw, and no one could compare to me. Every time another girl approached him he'd shoo her off, he was taken and in love. There was nothing he wanted more than just the feeling of security and he never got bored of being with one person. Sex was not a concern for him, he could wait as long till marriage without ever pressuring. He had his future set in stone and never changed his mind on that.

Who knew someone could be so perfect in every way? What a lucky girl I must have been. It's all my fault that it didn't last. He was so honest and truthful. Always taking responsibility for his actions and always thinking out the possible repercussions of his actions. He thought before he spoke and he was so eloquent! Smart and sexy, with a tasteful sense of humor. Now who can tell me he wasn't the best guy in the world? If only they knew this post is as honest as he was.

Tomorrow (n) - The day after today, a new day

Hopefully it will be better. You know it won't be but you still dare to dream. For years you've been living under his sky, on his ground, in his world. Whatever he wants, he gets, whenever he wants it. You cannot deny the one who controls your existence. No, the only way is to wake up to the horrible and painful reality you know deep down is waiting for you. It was never you he wanted to love, never you he cared for, it was everything you could give him. Once he has all he wants he's done with you, moving on and leaving you in a false hope that maybe tomorrow will be better.

Good luck, you're a fool. Tomorrow won't be better, it never is. You're only choice is to come back to the reality you dread, out of that once perfect world. It hurts, you feel your flesh melt from your bones and your mind go delusional from the pain. You go mute. It doesn't matter what words you form... he won't care. You find yourself alone. Drowning in a pool of questions. "What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? How could I have prevented this?" and then they become worse. "What's wrong with me? Am I not pretty enough? Smart enough? Funny enough? What do I have left to live for now?"

There's the question. What's left? You're in pain. All you feel is the hurt. All you see is memories of the past everywhere you turn. There's a glimmer of light coming from somewhere but you can't find it in the room of mirrors you're trapped in. You become confused and fall. There's no hope now. You're scared of tomorrow, what pain will it bring? How much more of this can you possibly endure? None. Your mind is set, the days meld together as you wait for your demise. The fight is over, you lay helpless and wait for the darkness to overtake you, you'll never find out where that glimmer is coming from.

You close your eyes and pray. God is all you have left, and that's the way He prefers it. There you'll find love, but you can't feel it. Everything still feels cold and damp in your world, but the light begins to shine brighter and brighter the more you ask for help. There's only one thing you can do. Run to it and know you'll never go back. You'll never forgive the one who took everything you could give and then threw you down. Never turn back to that, you're in a new world now and it's yours to dream up, you're in control and no one can hurt you there. So stay and, for once in your life, just breathe.