Escape (v) - Succeed in avoiding or eluding something unpleasant or undesirable

Today alone I've killed Robert an infinite number of times in an equally infinite number of ways. I need more than anything to find a way out of my own mind, to quiet it for an hour or too so that no one dies in any way whether it's hilarious or heart wrenching. For the record most of today's were hilarious, sorry dude. My only chances to escape from myself are through books. For some reason I find that through the pages I can live someone else's life and ignore my own for at least a few short moments. That's why I have a book with me at all times. It's much better that I have an instant way out of my own skin than cause the suffering of someone close to me, no matter how much I truly do want them to suffer. Today was miserable at best, I was angry, annoyed, in pain, and playing reruns of my favorite death scenes all of my hours awake. I think I need some more serious help, because I've already got some, but I don't think it's enough.

On yet another note I am excited about starting school and giving myself yet another thing to focus on. With school, soccer, work and the humane society every week I feel I will be busy enough to ignore my hatred for some certain people and move on, a little, with my life. In exactly one week from now, I can guarantee, I will be sick of the lifestyle I've chosen and back to my people hating self. Good news? There's always a skip out on the real world and a couple days in the happiest place on earth, which so happens to be the only place I can be truly happy these days. For that I'm sorry.

Honest (adj) - Free of deceit and untruthfulness

There was never a day I went without feeling loved because of him. He called every morning to wake me for school and every night to wish me sweet dreams. Never once did he neglect to tell me where he was going and who with, and never once did I have to suffer the wrath of his parents for the things he did when I wasn't around. I was always the only girl he saw, and no one could compare to me. Every time another girl approached him he'd shoo her off, he was taken and in love. There was nothing he wanted more than just the feeling of security and he never got bored of being with one person. Sex was not a concern for him, he could wait as long till marriage without ever pressuring. He had his future set in stone and never changed his mind on that.

Who knew someone could be so perfect in every way? What a lucky girl I must have been. It's all my fault that it didn't last. He was so honest and truthful. Always taking responsibility for his actions and always thinking out the possible repercussions of his actions. He thought before he spoke and he was so eloquent! Smart and sexy, with a tasteful sense of humor. Now who can tell me he wasn't the best guy in the world? If only they knew this post is as honest as he was.

Tomorrow (n) - The day after today, a new day

Hopefully it will be better. You know it won't be but you still dare to dream. For years you've been living under his sky, on his ground, in his world. Whatever he wants, he gets, whenever he wants it. You cannot deny the one who controls your existence. No, the only way is to wake up to the horrible and painful reality you know deep down is waiting for you. It was never you he wanted to love, never you he cared for, it was everything you could give him. Once he has all he wants he's done with you, moving on and leaving you in a false hope that maybe tomorrow will be better.

Good luck, you're a fool. Tomorrow won't be better, it never is. You're only choice is to come back to the reality you dread, out of that once perfect world. It hurts, you feel your flesh melt from your bones and your mind go delusional from the pain. You go mute. It doesn't matter what words you form... he won't care. You find yourself alone. Drowning in a pool of questions. "What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? How could I have prevented this?" and then they become worse. "What's wrong with me? Am I not pretty enough? Smart enough? Funny enough? What do I have left to live for now?"

There's the question. What's left? You're in pain. All you feel is the hurt. All you see is memories of the past everywhere you turn. There's a glimmer of light coming from somewhere but you can't find it in the room of mirrors you're trapped in. You become confused and fall. There's no hope now. You're scared of tomorrow, what pain will it bring? How much more of this can you possibly endure? None. Your mind is set, the days meld together as you wait for your demise. The fight is over, you lay helpless and wait for the darkness to overtake you, you'll never find out where that glimmer is coming from.

You close your eyes and pray. God is all you have left, and that's the way He prefers it. There you'll find love, but you can't feel it. Everything still feels cold and damp in your world, but the light begins to shine brighter and brighter the more you ask for help. There's only one thing you can do. Run to it and know you'll never go back. You'll never forgive the one who took everything you could give and then threw you down. Never turn back to that, you're in a new world now and it's yours to dream up, you're in control and no one can hurt you there. So stay and, for once in your life, just breathe.

Humanity (n) - The human race

I hate it, all of it. There is no way to fix that. The more people I meet the more I like animals, I can't understand them, therefore I have no conflict with them. We get along perfectly because there's nothing to fight about.

Men are either unfaithful or keeping something serious from you, they tell you you're beautiful but are hitting on your best friend at the same time. They say things like "i love you", "i want to be with you forever", and "i'll never hurt you" all of which are lies. Complete and utter bullshit lies. The ones that don't say these things are thinking about you naked instead. The second someone prettier walks by they suddenly never really meant any of it. Sadly, every time it happens to me someone uglier had just walked by, most likely completely psychotic too. So i can't help but think "is my personality really that shitty?" That's when I need to just say "I hate you, fuck off." it might solve some of my problems.

Well now that does feel better doesn't it, won't make me stop hating people, but maybe I'll consider keeping a couple around when I destroy the species from anger.